Change isn’t easy or crystal clear. But it is a beautiful journey that I’m learning to love and share. My healing came when I got comfortable with change.
“Plans change and people change”
I’ve been feeling like a fraud with all my life change.
How can I help others change their life when I don’t know what got me here?
To be more specific, God led me to where I am so I do know “how” I achieved this life change. Yet at the same time, with all my growth, I now feel stifled from moving forward. I’ve been immersed on figuring out what’s next while simultaneously trying to figure out how to trust Gods plan.
I’ve been a my self-care and self-love journey for about a year now in a committed sense. Yet I still haven’t felt like I’ve “reached” the place I want to be.
Why not me?
I’m seeing others succeed and feeling like my growth is slow. I have to be reminded that those I’m looking up to are older than me, I’m learning the hard lessons the easy way, from their mistakes.
Things CAN change overnight. But that doesn’t mean I need to expect that. I’m stuck between “figure it out” and “it’s all in God’s timing” with the occasional “WTF is going on?!?”
What do I want to change?
I want a man but I don’t have time. I’m over my ex but he was a big part of my life so there are memories that come up that I feel good about. Then I remember he’s not even my friend anymore. There’s no hitting him up on good vibes as a friend. I wish. Maybe some day.
But my today is so distant than anything over ever imagined. Not a bad thing. Just different. I’m adjusting. Some days I love it. Some days I’m going with the flow. Other days I’m wondering what did I miss along the way to get here and have everything be a question mark… and how do I get away
I’m not moving backwards, forward motion!
I don’t want to be who I used to be. I’m working on who I’m supposed to be. I know the truth of who I was. About how hurt, sad, broken, and desperate I was. I know what I displayed was strength, because I am a strong woman. I was a strong woman. But I was holding up strength while avoiding the need to sit in my pain.
The ugly truth of change
I feel so unmotivated to even write this. But like I said, we’re staying consistent. There’s a need for me to be honest. In ways I’m not ready to verbalize.
I’m healed as far as I’m not that broken hearted girl as Beyoncé said. I’m not looking for my ex to be my knight in shining armor. In fact, I’m not looking for not one man to be that. Jesus got that covered! Lol. But seriously. I just want to know my purpose, and walk in it fully.
I feel like I’m chasing money and coming up empty. If I’m honest, I have invested in my learning for almost a year (September is the day) but I’ve avoided every avenue thinking “is this for me?” “I’m not this type of person” “I wouldn’t be good at this” “I literally hate the idea of doing this type of work” “this is boring” like WHY CANT I JUST FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS?!?
So let’s get some perspective
It’s so wild to me that I went from stressing about love to stressing about work. I just want to be at peace. And starting today, I’m going to find just that.
Man, writing this has made my heart heavy but also freed up some space for me to be happy. I’ve been,,, not completely pleased with the content I’ve put out these last few weeks. It’s doesn’t feel like my BEST work.
I know I said I’m committed to “consistency over motivation” but I also need to pair that up with my top quality. I’m not here for “just do something for your audience”. I’m here to go big or go home. And I’m already at home so I might as well start going big!!!
So let’s do this. From this point I want you AND me to commit to only producing quality, and showing up consistently. It won’t work any other way!! Do it for you and I’ll do it for me. Internal goals is the key to happiness. If you don’t do it for nobody else, do it for yourself. You deserve the best parts of yourself, at all times.
So cheers to the journey of quality and consistency. See you on the other side. It’s only up from here! 🥂⬆️